The motivation to learn about social behavior… the story of my life…

Someone, who is close to me, asked me what I actually do?  Yikes, I might need to actually explain what I do to keep my position of what… dominance?  I don’t really think that’s it.  But I think that if I can’t explain it to the people close to me most likely people who might like to hire me don’t really get what I do either.  So I thought I would tell you the story about how I got to the spot.  Don’t worry it’s not the long detailed version.  No really you can do a word count and you’ll know I left out many parts.

So I went to work for one of my clients.  It was really fun to see how things worked inside this ginormous organization.  I did project management for many fun projects.  I went to a meeting where my boss wasn’t going to make the meeting.   She told me, “don’t make any decisions or give them any final word on anything.  Got it?”  I laughed and nodded knowing she wasn’t kidding.  She thought I was too agreeable coming from years in sales.

The meeting was also attended by ten people from our internal client.  The discussion came around to part of the design which was normal for us and distasteful to them.   Naturally sister organizations would disagree on something.  But, remember I didn’t have power to agree on anything?   So, I told them I would certainly take their concerns back and get them a decision.   The director made her point two additional times and then was getting set to leave the meeting leaving us to finalize the details.  She reiterated they wouldn’t tolerate the design aspect we had on paper.  I nodded.  So you agree to not include that aspect?  I restated the extent of my power which included taking the information back to my camp to get final approval.  She stood to leave leaned in, looking me in the eye and pointing her finger and then said one more time, “you will not include that in the project. Right?”  Clearly I was out ranked out-numbered and over powered.  I was reluctant to go back to my boss and tell her I caved I said, “you know I don’t have the power to agree?”  She leaned further across the table toward me and repeated her demand to which I said nothing and she walked away.

Surprisingly she acted like that knowing I had no power.   The other surprise was that not one of the people who worked for her said anything when she left.  In fact they weren’t even looking at me.  The meeting moved on as if it didn’t happen.

Back in my camp we conceded the issue without much fuss.  But that situation really stuck with me and I was so curious about the occurrence of leveraging physical power that went to grad school to get a degree in organizational management development.  What I learned about that type of leader is they are leading from the place of the lack of power or really big fear of failing or being shown up or something else.  That behavior served her but at what cost to the team, the strategic partners or the project profitability.   That behavior really requires recovery time.    Certainly isn’t a positive influence or very motivating to the people their team.  And I would guess that people don’t flock into her office to work for her.

So getting back to what I do as a Leadership Development Consultant is to work with organizations to create systems of development where leaders at all levels learn skills that allow them to authentically lead from their own personal power.  They are naturally more influential, more motivating, sought after as a hiring manager and their teams get so much more done.

Strategies include communication skills of all type; presenting, writing, conflict, coaching, interviewing, tough conversations like disciplinary, cross cultural, motivation, legacy, branding, managing emotion, mentoring, career management and more  depending on the individual needs.

Systemic development strategies; mentoring programs, cohorts and mastermind groups on a specific skill or talent, time limited programs of development, leadership development programs for all stages of leaders, developing and leveraging stakeholders, coaching skills and programs, utilizing stock or off the shelf development tools like Myers Briggs or 360s and other ideas.  More importantly solutions come from the conversation around direct need and the goals.

Ideally that answers all questions but usually it starts a dialogue…..bring it on!

What you don’t know could hurt your career.

In coaching we concentrate on three areas; changing you, changing your job or changing your career.  Now I realize those are broad strokes on change and in consulting the areas are different but concentrate on changing individuals in group forums.  So back to you… the one thing you can do, while better understanding your career and job options, is to get to know yourself better.  In the 50’s Joe and Harry created a four square matrix on the sides of your motivation and behaviors.  They are categorized by, what else, four areas.  The behaviors that you know you do, and others know you do.  The behaviors that you know you do and others don’t know or see you do.  The behaviors that  you don’t see and others see.  And lastly the behaviors or motivation that’s  not conscious to you or to others.

The only area that has magical growth potential is the area that you’re not conscious of but others clearly see you do.  In coaching we work to make that quadrant smaller.    It takes courage to actually ask people what they see you do that might prevent you from moving forward in your professional path.  It takes a real desire to change things holding you back to ask the questions and stay open to the answers.  It also is the sign of great leadership.  You remember the story of the emperor with the tailor?  There is another post on that.   But great leaders are ones who aren’t afraid of the truth or new ideas or real dialogue on their behavior that might be mitigate success.

There are many ways to discover in this process:

• formal coaching to better understand through reflection feedback
• 360 or multi-rater feedback tool
• ask people within a circle of trust then move to open up that circle
• behavioral assessments that show preferences or unconscious actions
• read about different situations
• journal with an eye of a third party investigative pen

The point is to do something to better understand yourself.  That awareness will be a cause set in motion.  Don’t shoot the messenger.  Don’t assume that all behaviors need to be changed.  Just stay open and interested like a friend was telling you a story they really wanted to share.

The ROI on this isn’t quantifiable but coaching has 500 to 700% return.  If you take that over your career lifespan the numbers are ridiculous.

Let me know how I can help….

Not Your Best Moment.

Silence.

When we walked out of the project meeting, I thought I had never seen two men act more barbarically. Then, I had been in business for over twenty years. These were two Directors, both younger (in their 30’s) and well schooled, but on two different paths within one business unit.

The conversation went something like this. My technology is better than your technology. No it isn’t, my technology is going farther than your technology. No it isn’t, and a bigger VP likes me more than you. Well, I have more people working for me than you do.

Okay so that wasn’t the actual dialogue but think puffed out chests. Think spit coming from their mouths as they talk. And think ten other people in the room that all had to watch since the VP who called the meeting wasn’t there yet and we were outranked. I wasn’t, sadly, running the meeting to get them back on task.

I have little tolerance for this behavior. Actually I have very little tolerance for people who waste other people’s time, especially mine. And puffery really never belongs. But there I was watching this. What does someone of lower rank do? Speak up? Call them on their junior high behavior? Ask them to get back to the agenda?

In thinking back, the puffery started when the VP wasn’t there and was going to be late. The two of them had to equitably decide who would move the project forward. Well, neither person had the entire project. And neither person was going to let the other take the meeting well in that you know, the one running the meeting is the one with the power. Right? Right… So we all had to watch as the two of them unfolded.

So what could we do? I asked about the agenda. I didn’t get attention off them. So, I got up to walk away. I was really unclear on whether I was committing career suicide but I couldn’t bear the humiliation they were hoisting upon themselves.

A lot of people froze, some fueled the “debate” and some pretended there was something very interesting on their blackberry.

Kerry Patterson and his friends who wrote “Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations” suggests that when there is an opposing viewpoint, high emotions, and the stakes are high, you get a chance to utilize skills of conflict management and more importantly self management. They talk about the continuum going from Silence to Violence. And everyone in the room was swinging in the middle of that continuum. People use their comfortable style that worked for them growing up. Where do you go? Does it depend on the content? The people in the room? How highly they are ranked?

Know your style and you can prepare for stupid human behavior. Attached, you’ll find a one sheet on the book. In the book, there is a questionnaire that you can take to find out your style.

Oh… and the two businessmen? They’re both VP’s at competing companies. So obviously that kind of behavior doesn’t hold you back. Or does it?

Learning Curve and Tenacity.

Let’s talk about the learning curve. Yes, I mean the learning curve where any piece of software that you use in your business requires times to “figure out” the changes. Every time (okay so maybe not every time) I sync my iPhone with my iTunes, there is an update. And pressing the download button is like saying, “yes, I have an hour or two to figure how to get what I want from the software on this machine.”

In my world, I notice that tenacity through the learning curve is where people are successful. How far do you push to get beyond the job done? Here are the stages that saved me many times to get through the learning curve:

1. Call a colleague to help you (subject matter expert)
2. The smarty pants colleague will go through the same process you did or better.
3. You won’t tell the colleague “I give up.”
4. The friend will take it away from you and bring it back done.
5. The friend will take it away and bring it back in the same state you had it.
6. You got a drink of water and now you have renewed energy to look at it again.
7. Success.

There are people you won’t ask for help if the cost versus reward doesn’t pull you through the curve. Then, there are people you may call upon with a multi-tasking benefit. You may need to reconnect with them, stop banging your head against the wall for a few minutes and possibly get your problem solved. That’s what we call a win-win in the entrepreneurially roundtable. Now back to my technology…

Group Collaboration Equals Productivity… Or Does It?

Making personal development fun is my goal.   People are sick to death of meetings and obligations by the time they get around to developing themselves.  If I had a nickel for each time I gave the mini lecture about “putting your own oxygen mask on first” with the hand gestures familiar to us all from flying.  You have to rank yourself high enough on the list to replenish and develop yourself.  Fun has to be high on the list too.

How do I make it more fun to do a deep dive into the soul to bring out the best side of you?  Getting outside your normal situation at work, whether you normally wear a suit, or you wear jeans and converse to work.  Structure works.  Formats outside the world of “appointment/ set goals / time lapses / accountability / reset goals / time lapses” will make it more fun too.  But that pushes me to the edge of my creativity.

I am an extrovert and work better in collaboration (and in accountability) with others.  So I find partners to brainstorm and create programs.

Guess what?  I am having more fun working with others.  Oh yes, but, it’s more challenging.  Remember those group projects in school that nearly killed us?  Yeah, remember forming, norming, storming, performing, adjourning?  Yes, you can pretend that your group isn’t going to go through those but let’s be real.  Any productive group has a version of that process.  Groups that have leaders who set themselves up for success will move through the stages more smoothly and the group can anticipate those stages all together.

Here are six ways to make group projects smoother:

1. Clearly define the desired outcome.
2. Clearly define responsibilities within the group.
3. Clearly match the capabilities of the individuals to the tasks.
4. Clearly match the capacity of the individuals to the contribution.
5. Clearly create a language for accountability.
6. Clearly create a language for conflict.

What word is repeated in each section?  Yes, that would be clearly.  And by that, I mean clarify and discuss.  Give permission to storm and you won’t be so blindsided by disagreement.  (You will disagree or there wouldn’t be any reason to simply “do it yourself” right?)

Find out which team member is really good at each task or skill needed for the project and the project management.  Have a meeting (it doesn’t have to be life sucking) to put those stages on the table.  Talk about storming and how the group can make it okay to storm a little.

It’s more fun to collaborate.  And quite frankly I get more done… So I will have to take my own advice too.

Put a common language to the process and succeed sooner.

50 Ways to Disengage from Conversation at the Office.

If I had a nickel for every time chatty people asked me for help with time management I’d be rich, rich I say! Actually a client was regaling a story about someone that was dominating, in an unpleasant way, her time. She said, “what could I do? She wouldn’t leave my office.”

Well, there are many ways to disengage when you’re in the middle of a conversation that’s going terribly wrong or long. You’re really the only one responsible for your time. Here are some ways to get yourself away from that chatty co-worker:

1. Stand up, grab a pad, a pen and keep talking but walk out of your office.
2. Look at your watch, then, start edging away from the person.
3. Close your lips and stop talking. Yes, even if they ask a question. Silence is powerful.
4. Bring attention to the person that you want to stop talking by putting your hand over your mouth.
5. Bring attention to the other person that you want the conversation to end by putting your hand over their mouth.
6. If you’re on the phone, they go on and on, simply stand up as if you’re leaving and you’ll naturally move the conversation to a close.
7. If you’re in a third person’s office, simply stand up and move towards the door.
8. If you have the temerity of noticing while you’re speaking that the conversation is going badly simply stop.
9. Stare at them until they stop.
10. Give them the stink eye until they stop (unless they are the boss or a customer.)
11. Even if they ask a question, there is no law that says you have to answer.
12. Do the “fade away” where you simply imperceptibly move backward away from the person until you’re around a corner or out of their office. But don’t acknowledge the movement.
13. Give them the finger. Yes, the first finger as if to say one minute. If you have a cell phone place the phone to your head as if to listen, even though it didn’t ring. Then nod, and walk away.
14. Look concerned at your watch as if you’ve left your 3 year old on the street in front of day care and walk away.
15. If they’ve entered your office (following you) put whatever you were carrying down, glance at the computer screen and exclaim, “I can’t believe I am late for this” and start walking. Then give them the finger.
16. If in someone else’s office check your watch twice and the third time check it and leave.
17. Sniff into the air and ask if they smell smoke and move away.
18. Tap your pencil, finger, toe or head against the table.
19. Ask politely if they mind if you keep the group on task as you have to leave shortly.
20. Print out the agenda for everyone so when you ask where are we on the agenda someone will get you back on track.
21. Enlist someone near you to call your phone to interrupt the flow of dialogue.
22. Talking when they talk isn’t illegal it’s just not ideal – so tell them you’ve got to wrap it up.
23. Answer the phone even if it doesn’t ring. Tell them it’s important. If they push back tell them you’ve muted your phone. Who is to know there isn’t a mute feature?
24. Manage expectations when they “pop” in for a conversation that you only have 5 minutes.
25. Make sure not to ask additional prolonging questions.
26. Tell them “that’s a topic for another time” and then walk away.
27. Tell them “that’s a great item for the agenda of your next meeting.”
28. Pick something out of your teeth and really dig in there to get it… ask if they have floss.
29. Ask a diversionary question, “Did you get invited to the boss’s house this weekend?” when they look surprised, look embarrassed and just walk away.
30. If they’re yelling and spitting, get a wet nap or one of those alcohol pads and wipe away. If they are undaunted you may want to offer the people around you or them one or even dab it on their lip.
31. Buck up, it’s your time and you’re responsible for how you choose to manage it.
32. Walk away.
33. There is nothing in the employee handbook that says you have to stand there and partake in the other person’s to do list.
34. After talking about abuse it’s hard to go simple… so get dramatic and fall on the floor.
35. Drop your pencil, get down on your hands and knees and crawl away.
36. Ask them if they want to see a few hundred pictures of your baby, your plant, your dogs, your trip to the Grand Canyon.
37. Ask them to look as the rash on your back to tell you if they think it’s contagious.
38. Open up your calendar and ask them, “When are you available to have this conversation?”
39. Sniff in the air and ask if they smell donuts? And walk towards the kitchen.
40. Start to shift from leg to leg (commonly known as the potty dance) and get more dramatic until they let you go.
41. Tell them you were on your way to the bathroom to do some serious business.
42. Again, stop talking if you’re not headed in the right direction with a conversation. If you stop mid-sentence they may wait for you to continue. You then choose whether to redirect, stop and walk away or explain.
43. Step on their foot, lightly, and beg forgiveness.
44. If they have you blocked slowly move closer until they back away. Then move out.
45. If they come into your office – and you know they’re going to go on and on, act that you’re glad to see them because another (more annoying) person just phoned and said they were on their way up to talk them. This will only work if the first person in this convoluted story is also annoyed by the second person in this story.’
46. Wave your arms like there is a stink in your office you don’t want them to smell and steer them away from your office.
47. Slam your coffee / water / tea and get up to get more from the kitchen. They may follow you but then you’re not trapped in your office.
48. Ask if they got the online time sensitive coupon that has limited quantity for the lunch restaurant near the building.
49. Tell them you’re finishing the report the boss asked for and you’re really stretched. Oh… they hadn’t heard about it? Tell them to ask someone who is done.
50. Seriously people, get creative, it’s only business and it’s only time, and it’s yours not theirs to decide how you spend it. Tell them you don’t have time. Their priorities are only yours if you choose to make them yours. We’re all adults here.

Bonus: Loud talker in the office near you?

1. Act as if you’re totally engaged via eye contact in a conversation, with someone they can’t see, while they’re on speaker phone walk up to their office. Wave hello to them. Then close their office door all the while speaking to someone they cannot see.
2. Shut your door.
3. Walk out with your headset on and point to your headset and give them the gesture of not being able to hear.

Mid-life Crisis: Diverted.

Behavioral Change Management with a Twist of Engineering

I work with a lot of engineers to develop their teams and, in turn, grow their own careers.  Some problems stem from communication, but… well, most problems stem from communication. When someone is in my office talking about “the problem,” they might not be able to clearly articulate the problem to me.

In that very same vein, we know the team isn’t getting a clear message from them.  The client wants a different action from the team members and they don’t quite know how to get there. How do I explain simple behavioral changes to groups of people who want logic and rationale to attach a plan? Because I am nerd, in a different way, I study change models.

For one of my sessions with a client, I had Prochaska’s model of behavioral change on my white board.

Later, when one of my favorite engineers came in for our regular meetings, he saw Prochaska’s stages on the board and I briefly explained them to him.  He immediately saw a correlation between them and the process of an engineering project or challenge.

When creating a plan to make cultural or team function change, some individuals or groups, need to see a pathway. Speak their language and you’ll gain traction towards change much faster.

Solving problems doesn’t actually have to be entirely your problem as a leader either. Bring the team into a room (or a virtual chat/audio conference room) and get them to identify the problem. Without a clearly stated problem, there is no reason to change.
When the group identifies the problem, they will also be much more likely to buy into the solution that they create.

Success improves dramatically by laying out a pathway that you can understand and then follow.  Take the problem and dissect using the same stages that engineers would utilize to solve any structural, electrical, mechanical problem by taking the elements individually and testing to see what empirical data arises.  With that, make adjustments.

Simple?

Perhaps these steps will make change possible for your team!

Love My Sunday!

It’s Sunday night…do you know where your heart lies? I mean career wise? Sitting here enjoying my Sunday afternoon I am reminded of a time back in my career when I didn’t love what I do. Around 2:30 on Sunday afternoons I started to get a stomach ache. I had to lie down. Really I didn’t think that it was more than just pushing too hard during the weekend and may have stayed out a little too late on Saturday night. Imagine my surprise when my a friend suggested there might be a correlation between Sunday afternoon stomach ache and Monday morning road rage on the drive into work and maybe that I was not suited for that job. What?

My job was great. It was a high profile, prestigious job even glamorous by some standards. So what was wrong with me for not being excited to go hit it hard on Monday morning? Why did I start to worry on Sunday? That job wasn’t right for me.How did I know that? Aside from the stomach ache, which as obvious as hindsight can be, I now see clearly that I had a job fit problem. I didn’t realize something that easily be highlighted by a panel of assessments. Today I would simply read the report from my DISC, which you might be familiar in different forms as a behavioral assessment. Of course since that’s one that I did after I changed my career I and the results were not a big shock. They would be what we call validating or in other words “duh!”

My DISC tells me that highly analytical work takes the wind out of my sails. It’s something I can do but does it play to my strengths? No, I am more about creating relationships and connecting with people than following the strict policy and procedures. My high level of independence doesn’t allow for the rigidity of the environment I was in. That in combination with the tendency to rebel against the rules made for a very difficult working life. The job also called for strong negotiation skills. That was fun but I was a relationship builder and not necessarily a tough negotiator. Life can be so clear when looking at it in the past. Or you can enlist the resources available today. I now realize that I wouldn’t do it any differently. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have taken the DISC earlier and changed to a people oriented job sooner.

Love my Sundays!